Those Words from My Father Which Helped Me as a First-Time Parent

"I think I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the reality soon became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her chief support while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his father, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple statement "You aren't in a good spot. You need assistance. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a larger failure to open up between men, who often absorb damaging notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to ask for a respite - taking a couple of days away, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the language of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he says. "They might temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a family member, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."